Open Letter To Dogs And Cats
11-19-2003 | 03:15 PM
#1
Thread Starter
Super Moderator
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 5,181
From: My BIG ol TURBO-DIESEL
Dear Dogs and Cats:
When I say move, it means 'go someplace else' not, 'switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way'.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake out a claim for it to become your food and dish, nor do I find it aesthetically pleasing.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the objective and tripping me doesn't help ... because I may fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. Sad though this is, do not expect me to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping - they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicularly to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible! I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time: there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the ****, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is to kiss me first, then go smell the other animal's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
To pacify you I have posted a message on our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets --
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and doesn't speak clearly.
Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell (or give away) the results.
When I say move, it means 'go someplace else' not, 'switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way'.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake out a claim for it to become your food and dish, nor do I find it aesthetically pleasing.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the objective and tripping me doesn't help ... because I may fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. Sad though this is, do not expect me to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping - they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicularly to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible! I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time: there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the ****, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is to kiss me first, then go smell the other animal's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
To pacify you I have posted a message on our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets --
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and doesn't speak clearly.
Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell (or give away) the results.
11-19-2003 | 04:45 PM
#8
Super Moderator
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 5,425
From: Tallahassee, FL
Originally Posted by banzaitoyota' date='Nov 19 2003, 04:22 PM
My AKITA thinks she is a LAP DOG!
my wife bought a sweater for the chihuahua. need I say more.
11-19-2003 | 04:48 PM
#9
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 2,934
From: Jensen Beach, FL / Sylva, NC
My Choc. Lab is like another kid in the house. There are a few of those rules that dont apply to it though. She's not allowed in anyones bed or on any furnature.
She Farts and they smell really really bad.
She likes Beer - This may be a problem and amplifies the farting.
She tries to ignore the people food is for people. She walks up the the kitchen table puts her nose to the lip and licks crumbs off the top. If she is busted doing this she is in a lot of trouble.
She cannot stand to be more than 3 feet away from any family member at any given moment. So the bathroom thing is all too true.
Nice one - thanks Banzai
She Farts and they smell really really bad.
She likes Beer - This may be a problem and amplifies the farting.
She tries to ignore the people food is for people. She walks up the the kitchen table puts her nose to the lip and licks crumbs off the top. If she is busted doing this she is in a lot of trouble.
She cannot stand to be more than 3 feet away from any family member at any given moment. So the bathroom thing is all too true.
Nice one - thanks Banzai
11-19-2003 | 06:25 PM
#10
Senior Member
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 857
From: Massachusetts
You need to print that up on some nice paper and sell it at one of those frilly(sp) pet shops. You could make millions off of it. All of that is so true. My Border collie/ Aus. sheppard tries to get into the shower with my wife and I in the morning. He also seems to like my side of the bed and my pillows very much. I can't get a good nights sleep without waking up covered in hair.