a primer by e. ryan small



1. Japan has a obsession with putting big red buttons everywhere. DO NOT PUSH THESE BUTTONS. These buttons will not help you. The only thing they do is make a really loud noise and get everyone with a ½ mile really angry at you. Emergency services are unlikely to arrive in time to save you from the angry Japanese mob that has gathered to kick your *** for pushing the big red button.



2.The only way to meet your neighbors in Japan is by pressing the big red button. When you ask Japanese what their neighbors are like, a frequent response is “I don’t know. I’ve never met them”. Japanese are particularly private at or near their place of residence.



3. In Japan cute and scary are opposites. Anyone planning on spending any significant time in Japan should seriously consider cute-ing up a bit. A major past time of Japanese is the maintenance and improvement of one’s cuteness. If you’re not up to totally reworking your lifestyle to become cuter, try developing something endearing that you can do when you’ve done something particularly not cute.



4. If one can’t be bothered at all with number 3, the other option is to become a Salary Man. As a Salary Man, your goal is no longer to be cute, but to be creepy. For the Salary Man it is perfectly OK to stare at women, wear fake mustaches, drink booze on the train, blatantly mind **** high school girls and frequent houses of disrepute. Doing all this will not negatively affect promotions.



5. Japanese love making scientifically absurd statements about Japanese.



For example:



“Japanese have shorter intestines, thats why we they have shorter legs and a difficulty digesting beef.”



“Japanese ears are made differently, thats why we think the loud chirping of cicadas in the summer is beautiful.”

It isn’t beautiful. It’s really annoying. It sounds like a billion giant loud *** bugs all saying meep meep meep at the same time.



“A Japanese pregnancy last 10 months and 10 days.”

If you ask Japanese about the length of pregnancy, 99% give this answer.



It is nearly impossible to convince Japanese otherwise about these statements. Even if you show them an encyclopedia, they will note that it says “homo sapien” not “Japanese”. The physiological differences of the Japanese are a favorite conversation topic that can quickly go sour, so tread carefully.



6. For a relatively small percent of the old man population in Japan, trying to spit as close to a foreigner’s foot without hitting it is considered a legitimate hobby. If you spend spend any considerable amount of time in time in Japan, you will be hit with old man spit at least once.



7. It is OK to cross the street against street lights at night but not during the day. The nearest car could be miles away, but as long as that cross walk sign says “don’t walk” you should stay put. If you cross, you risk confirming every horrible stereotype Japanese hold about foreigners. I’m sure this is a regular conversation in Japan:



Wife: You know what I saw today?

Husband: No, what?

Wife: I saw a foreigner cross the street against the cross walk sign, in broad day light in front of at least three other people including myself.

Husband: Jesus! are you OK?

Wife: I told you this was a bad neighborhood! Why oh why did I ever let you move us here? I want a divorce!



8. In Japan vegetables go bad after three days, but milk is still good after three weeks. Hell the milk could last even longer, but i don’t know because I always finish the carton by then. Its true, there is something definitely freaky about Japanese milk.



9. Japan has some really cheap ways to spend a lot of money. When researching Japan one of the things that you frequently read is that Japan has a high cost of living. While compared to the rest of Asia this is true, but compared to America and Canada is noticeably lower for a lot of things. The thing is, Japan’s rate of consumption is much higher, so you end up spending little bits of money much more often. For example, its easy to do a night on the town for less than 50 bucks…so why not do it every night? 280 bars are the perfect example of this (calling it a bar is a misnomer since they mainly sell food). In a 280 bar everything on the menu cost 280 yen, roughly $2.30. So all beer, all food, is just 280 each. On top of that 1000 yen bills are smallest denomination of paper money. That would be like saying the 10 ten dollar bill was the smallest bill in America. So you generally have or 10 or 15 bucks of change floating on your person which lends itself to a lot of impulse purchases because, hell, its just your change.



10. In Japan cars continue to go through an intersection for upwards of five seconds after the light has turned red. Everyone in Japan knows this. So should you.

 

is this like when you unpack the order, and put everything away, and then ask me if something came in?