Having experienced the female sneeze and the female orgasm I have concluded that there is a direct relationship between the two. I propose to outline my research thus far before requesting Federal funds to expand my test bed.



The Big One:

This subject has a large generous sneeze that is often very moist and usually loud. This subject seldom tries to stifle the Big One and usually greets it with a smile and a gasp for air. Subject is not ashamed of said sneeze but “lets it rip.” This sneeze usually takes a longer period of time before sneezing again than typical active sneezers.



Multiple Sneezer:

Quantity and frequency are the main classifiable characteristics among these sneezers. The intensity of each individual sneeze can vary even among the same series. For example; a subject can warm up to a multiple sneeze by having one or more, smaller sneezes and end in racking nearly painful sneezes. From years of fruitful research I have determined that this variety of sneezer is a very rewarding subject to analyze.



Average Sneezer:

As the name implies this sneezer comprises the largest percentile of active sneezers available for research. While nothing about the sneeze should be taken for granted, this is the baseline by which many researchers compare as the control group.



Ashamed to Sneeze:

This sneezer is a most curious subject to research. While it is rumored that this uncooperative sneezer does indeed sneeze when no one else is around, subjects are unwilling to participate with researchers. On rare occasion this subject can be cross-referenced to Stifled Sneezer please see below. There are usually underlying and sometimes deep rooted factors that inhibit research.



Stifled Sneezer:

This subject attempts to stifle or cover the sneeze by holding it internally or with external aids. The stifled sneezer for whatever reason be it social, psychological, or factors unbeknownst to this researcher, does not see the beauty of letting a sneeze take control. Upon occasion, this subject can be rehabilitated into an Average Sneezer.



I Have Never Sneezed Before:

More often than not this subject will actually seek out the researcher in an attempt to achieve sneeze. This subject can pose a quandary for a younger less seasoned researcher. There are three sub-varieties of this sneezer to be:



1. A would be sneezer that genuinely cannot achieve sneeze no matter the stimulation or environment. This subject is eager and seemingly desperate. If you can rehabilitate this subject to achieve sneeze you may have a research partner for life regardless of your research plans.

2. The cold fish that does not really desire sneeze. This apathetic subject can destroy a good researcher’s foundation, technique and instincts. It is the advice of this researcher that you refer this creature to a colleague like the one that stole your first subject. NOTE: This researcher has never encountered the above mentioned sub-variety of sneezer.

3. The liar. Sometimes, to increase the marketability or popularity of a subject one will mislead researchers and other subjects alike to believe that a condition of non-sneeze exists. In defense of The Liar sub-variety, sometimes this subject senses an inferiority complex within the researcher and leads him to believe that he is the first to facilitate sneeze.



The Rabbit Sneezer:

In the earlier days of my research I had actually thought of classifying this gem of a subject into the Multiple Sneezer above. I have since compared and contrasted the similarities and differences between the two. While frequency and quantity are still the noteworthy characteristics the differentiating factor is the presence of a REGENERATION TIME as we refer to it in the field. This subject frequently achieves sneeze and requests and or demands an intermission between the next series. Regeneration time can vary from subject to subject. The conduct that occurs during this regeneration time also varies from subject to subject. The most common activities are as follows: urination, smoking cigarettes, and talking about seemingly fantasy realms of existence where the subject and researcher partake in matrimony.

 

LOL! That's the best. I'm going to have to save that one. Nice research.

 

I get paid to write for my job but it is not a creative writing position. I was sitting in my office loosing my farking mind when I decided to write this.